How do your find your way back to normal once normal's beat a hasty retreat out the back door? I really need to know. I made an appointment with the neurologist for next Monday, the soonest they could get me in unless the doctor looks at my chart and thinks I need to be seen sooner. So I'm waiting...hoping for a cancellation so I can get some answers a little quicker...
Meanwhile, the world seems to have slid off kilter. I don't feel like me. Maybe that's the Ativan. It's almost like an outer body sensation...I'm going through the motions but I don't feel attached to the activity. And my short term memory seems to have taken a vacation without me (rather rude, I think...) I tucked a few 'valuables' away before our showing Sunday, then for the life of me, I had zero recollection of where I had stashed everything! Michael wanted his PSP but I couldn't remember where I'd put it, along with my digital camera. I knew I'd tucked my Kindle in the nightstand--for some reason that stayed with me, but we ran frantic all around the house that night trying to find the missing electronics! Finally I discovered them safely stashed with my Kindle--why I didn't look there in the first place is beyond me--I truly thought I had put his PSP in his room...
Yesterday morning it was my MP3 player that evaded me. Spent a good half hour digging upstairs and downstairs, emptying purses, rummaging through drawers--no, that hadn't made it to the safety of the nightstand...Drove me bananas as my pressure went up trying to recall where I'd put it. Now, when I'd run, I kept it in my dresser with my pepper spray, whistle, and phone case--but I haven't run outside in months. I decided to take a look anyway...and there it sat, tucked away with my new matching earbuds I'd gotten for Christmas. I wanted to listen to Adele...something to calm me down.
Bill flew off yesterday morning to Long Island for the week, and this coming weekend will be the last that he'll be home until we get the house sold. However long that might take...He's feeling guilty for leaving and I'm feeling guilty for making him feel guilty--he shouldn't have to worry about us here at home. There's no reason I shouldn't be able to take care of Michael and the house, the birds and the dogs, and life be smooth sailing--for the most part, there's always a road bump or two, but not a head on collision like this. I just want to wake up, shake it off, whip on my running shoes and hit the road for a few good miles, and life be back to normal. Where did that go?? How did I lose that?
Then Michael and I had to have a fight before he got on the bus to school...as if the stress of moving isn't enough for him, now he's got a mom freaking out with seizures to wig him out even more. Yet somehow I expect him to get his act together and try to make this whole situation a little easier on us--no pressure for a ten year old, right??
I just want normal back...please...
One of the big things I learned this past year is that sometimes we have to create a New Normal. Whether by choice or necessity, (or both) creating a new normal routine and letting go of the old one can really help the whole family adjust when there are major changes to life as we know it.
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