Monday, January 16, 2012


Frazzled this morning...Sleeping in really doesn't do me any favors for the way it sets me off for the day in a frustrated, stressed out mood before the day even begins. But Tucker still wants to wake up around two to go outside, followed rather lazily by Sweet Pea, and by the time she slowly shuffles outside I'm frozen and wide awake, then when I finally find my way back to bed after their late night potty trip, I lay there for hours trying to get back to sleep and subsequently end up sleeping later than I'd like...It's not my best way to start the day.

So I'm already late getting up which means I have less time to do everything I need or want to do before the rest of the house wakes up and Bill had to get up early to get to the airport this morning, cutting even deeper into the diminished remains of "my time"...Then he sat down at my laptop because I made the mistake of vacating my seat to go look for a pair of buried in the basement microfiber cleaning cloths that were recommended on a website I had run across moments earlier, and upon my arrival upstairs once more, website was then gone, and Bill sat in my spot, pulled up to show me yet another house (of already the umpteen millionth he's shown me...or at least a good hundred ...) in Massachusetts that he liked that, realistically, will be long gone by the time we get around to truly looking at houses we can actually possibly buy AFTER we have a contract to sell this house in the process....

I snapped at him--I really don't want to look at houses now. I was in the middle of my morning surfing, gathering ideas for decluttering and cleaning up this house and getting ready to move, along with the usual devotional websites I enjoy...And then I apologized for snapping because I realized it was rude and I wouldn't want him to snap at me like that...I really am not much of a morning person, but add on to that the stress of him being away, me being here alone and fighting with Michael every day through the week because he's feeling as much of this stress as I am and we only have each other to take it out on...

I broke into tears yesterday at bowling just watching Michael. He's so wigged out through all of this that he's doing his facial tics again, worse than ever, and he's already super critical with himself when he doesn't bowl well, and feeling this added weight makes him feel, and bowl, even crappier creating this awful vicious cycle. My heart breaks for him, wishing there was some way to make this time easier for both of us, but I just don't know how to do that.

Then Bill comes back and asks me to do something else for him and then Michael asks for pancakes, the dogs are all looking at me because they need fed, it's already past eight, and here I sit with absolutely nothing accomplished, a list a mile long for the day, but none of that seems to matter to anyone else...I lost it, we both yelled and argued, and now he's on his way to the airport and we're both miserable...I hate this part. And it's only the beginning....

But I found this suggestion for a peace retreat in your home on my favorite website, A Holy Experience...I need to do this. I need to do this here and I will most certainly create a special spot in our new home for this. I've been praying for peace lately because I have been feeling so stressed and worried about how Michael's handling it as well...And God gave me this today. It's just up to me to integrate it into our lives--a project to shift my focus from the weight of this day to the One who is Himself, my Peace (Eph. 2:14).

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