Hard

Angry. He's in New York, at a meet and greet, having drinks and hors d'oeuvres, texting me pictures of the food that's being served. I'm stagnant. Stuck waiting. Fighting with a tired, stubborn ten year old, all mouth, defiance and attitude. Ugly words screaming, unleashing burdened tension unfairly on each other. Tears course cheeks. Doors slam shut. Heart pounding fiercely in frustration.

I know it's not his fault. He's doing this for our family. But he's gotten to move on and we're still here. Always here, left behind to clean up after.

He's with his family. Going out having dinner and drinks with his sister, his daughter, while I make Chef Boyardee, watching Greys and Big Bang reruns, nagging child to eat, clean up his plate, throw his garbage away, time to get in the tub and WASH YOUR HAIR!! Every day...same aggravating fights. Same messes to clean up, battles to wage, rage.

If it were the other way around, if it was me to move first and him to follow, would he? Would he agree to this never ending waiting? Would he agree to hold this end together? To come after? Would he?

I'm not supposed to vent. I'm supposed to be strong, hold it all in and be patient. It just feels so heavy today. I need to put it down for a little bit. A rest. Just for a while...just for today.