Wednesday, November 9, 2011

On the Other Side of the Wall

I like Tuesdays. I usually don't have to be anywhere. My weekly shopping is typically done on Monday so I don't worry about hair and make up as I don't plan to see anyone other than Bill and Michael and the critters. It's an easy day: workout, shower, chores, and plenty of time to work on something productive, ie: writing, computer studies, that sort of thing.

Yesterday morning went quick and smooth. I finished up the day's chores and even managed a good hour of leaf raking before it was time for lunch. I had all afternoon to myself (with no TV calling me to lounge away the time!) I washed up the morning's sinkful of dishes, pulled out the laptop and decided I'd look for a writing contest I could maybe try to enter.

That was probably the wrong place to start. I've only been blogging for a couple months, I haven't even given thought to any 'real' writing (like I know what that means...) So when I pulled up the list of writing contests on Writermag's website it felt like someone had punched me in the gut--what was I thinking? I had nothing to offer on a professional writing level. Okay, do 'professionals' really submit to writing contests? I would think it's primarily amateurs, but still...I'm hardly even an amateur-I'm a beginning beginner. I don't even know where to start! I felt completely intimidated, overwhelmed, and discouraged. I closed the browser and opted to pull out my Office Word 2007 book and work on learning more about tabs, inserts, shading and borders. No writing for me.

As the afternoon wore on, I started thinking about maybe heading back out into the real world, giving up and getting a job. Who was I kidding--me, write? I felt maybe this opportunity had passed me up. I'm not destined to be anybody, just a mom, a wife, a minimum wage paid cashier-if I could even manage that. Target had sent me an email in response to the application I had put in a couple weeks ago: "We are sorry to inform you that we are unable to offer you a position at this time. Thank you for your interest in Target." I had applied for a part/part-time position, thinking the holidays are coming up, a little extra cash couldn't hurt. I can't work much, only during Michael's school schedule, so no evenings or weekends. I only wanted two or three days a week at most. But, no, that wouldn't work for Target. Thanks anyways. Whatever.

I swept my defeated attitude under the dog hair covered rug and finished the day. Picked up Michael from the bus, supervised homework, microwaved veggie burgers and baked beans for dinner, crocheted a little on the sweater I'm making for World Vision's Knit for a Kid program, and dragged my time change weary butt to bed while Bug stayed up, played his PSP and watched Spongebob until Daddy would get home and sent his little body to bed as well. Tomorrow was another day...

It's moments like this where I'm left wondering about what direction my life is meant to take, which way does God want me to go, that He speaks to me (thank goodness or I'd really be a mess!) This morning it was through one of the daily blogs I read-(in) You can read the day's post here: I shed a few tears, refreshed with His hope, encouragement and love. Maybe I can write, maybe it's not too late. At least I'm not ready to give up just yet...

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