The bottom sort of fell out of everything last night. We, my sister and I, had apparently asked one too many questions and got the door slammed in our faces. Our uncle has taken a time out from our lives for a while. Whether or not he’ll come back around, only time will tell. I respect his decision, though it hurts to let him go.
There is a fine, fine line between the adoptee’s right to know vs. the birth family’s right to privacy. It has been made very clear to us that our birth mother has no desire to reconnect with us. Truth be known, I have no desire to reconnect with her. Never have. But does that give her the right to deny us a connection with family who may want to know us? I understand and respect the fact that this family has been traumatized terribly by alcoholism and abuse at the hand of my maternal grandfather. Siblings had been so torn apart, they still don’t talk to each other if they can avoid it. And here comes my sister and I trying to gain access to a family that doesn’t want reminded of each other, let alone those who were given away. So what do you do?
I guess what is now clear is that we must respectfully accept the decisions made to keep us out. We know who we are, where we came from. That’s all we get. In fact, it’s a lot more than most adoptees get. How we got this far is half luck, half miracle. Sealed birth records intend to keep families apart forever. Right or wrong, sometimes it’s for the best. I think this is one circumstance that it is for the best to just walk away and let it be.
I pray for my family, for healing, for peace. I am thankful for the family I’ve been given and for friends who are the family I’ve chosen along the way. I pray I can finally find my own peace to let this go. I pray.
“The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.”
I won't miss you. I will miss who I thought you were.