Sunday, November 13, 2011

At an Impasse

I've got this notion rattling around in my head (insert husband's sigh and shaking of head...muttering ,"Now what?" under his breath...) My birthmother, aunt, and younger sister are all on Facebook. I pull up their pages, stalker-like, looking for pictures, faces that resemble mine, or status updates that let me into their lives, however vicariously. Curious.

What is it that stops me from contacting them? My birthmother, well, she doesn't want to know me, so I wouldn't bother wasting my time on her. But my sister? My aunt? Don't I have the right to know them? I do...but do they want to know me, my other sister? And there's always that adage again: be careful what you wish for...Do I really want to open that Pandora's box? Some days I do--toss whatever fear or caution to the wind, and just post a message on their page, let the cards fall where they may. Other days, I shrink back...afraid of what that box might hold after all. Just be thankful for what I've been given with my sister, brother, and uncle and their families. They're a great gift, greater than I ever thought I'd have of my birth family. It's just this puzzle beckons to be completed, odd pieces put in place, to see the whole of what's been torn apart, perhaps allow healing. If that would ever be possible with Charlotte so adamant against reunion. But who made her queen? What gives her the right to control the entire family and say who's 'allowed in' or not? As if Andrea and I aren't worthy on some level. Worthy? Rebellious child inside me balks, angry and resentful. She gave me away, signed away her rights to tell me what to do or not to do. Why should I let her stop me now?

This quote, from a writing prompt site, turned up in my inbox this morning: “We are always getting ready to live, but never living.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson. That applies to my life on so many levels. All the writing practice, but never publishing. Computer studying, but for what? Wanting my family, but not willing to take a chance on what might be waiting in response. You only get so many opportunities in life and they don't wait around forever. Life does pass us by if we don't step out and live it. Who will win? Charlotte? Fear? Or me?

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