I'm having a difficult time staying motivated, simply caring...about anything lately. This year has dragged on mercilessly, and day in and day out, I sit here, more often in tears than not. Praying, pleading for mercy, unanswered. Is it any wonder I'm angry? Is there any wonder I could care less about taking care of myself? What's the point? I have no idea when this will be over. Run? Why? Take care of the house? What's the use? It all seems useless, pointless. Meaningless. Endless.
Yesterday I tossed around the idea of calling the doctor this morning to ask for a script for antidepressants so I could at least stop crying maybe. But, I feel like that would only make me feel worse, like a zombie, numb. It wouldn't really fix anything. School starts next week and we're still sitting here. We won't even make it to MA in time for Bug's birthday now. The pit in my stomach sinks lower, heavier. I don't even care what God's reason is for us waiting anymore--I just want this over. I want to move. I want my family back together. NOW. Not tomorrow, not next week or next month. Right freaking now. And taking a stupid little pill isn't going to make that happen any quicker. So again, what's the point?
But I'm starting a new Bible study challenge for the fall (I hate that it's fall already) I just really need to refocus. Wallowing in this mire isn't making Michael very happy and I at least owe it to him to keep it together. So I signed up for the Hello Mornings Challenge at Inspired to Action. I had tried to join the summer one, but there weren't groups and it was pretty confusing without any leadership. This time I'm in a group of other moms who also want to take charge of their mornings so they can have better days with their families. I figure it's at least a good place to start. Today is the first day of the thirteen week challenge, so a lot to look forward to in the coming weeks.
I didn't keep track of my thankfuls very well last week. Hopefully with a new challenge and a 'renewed' outlook, I'll do better about that this week. But, here are a few things I was thankful for this past week:
566. Back to school supply shopping. It's even better than Christmas to me! I even got myself a pack of mechanical pencils to tangle with and a pack of Sharpies (they're awesome for coloring in big spaces on the tangles...)
567. An evening with my girls and a new 31 bag on the way (Retro Metro Weekender for all the weekend getaways Bill and I will sneak away for in Maine once this whole mess is behind us!)
568. A huge tub of fresh from the garden tomatoes from my friend Missy--I have been in tomato heaven all week!!!
569. An afternoon of geocaching with Bug at Preston Park, which is literally a couple minutes from our house and we never even knew it existed! We saw deer and bunnies and startled a huge blue heron, and managed to find a few caches while we were there! Great, great day.
570. Celebrating our finds with ice cream at King Kone
571. Harvest Festival in Volant--a beautiful day in my favorite little town in PA
572. Amish donuts (are there any Amish in MA???)
573. Two tangles done and an afternoon of Game of Thrones
574. This verse, which reminds me that every day is indeed filled with His love and mercy:
I didn't keep track of my thankfuls very well last week. Hopefully with a new challenge and a 'renewed' outlook, I'll do better about that this week. But, here are a few things I was thankful for this past week:
566. Back to school supply shopping. It's even better than Christmas to me! I even got myself a pack of mechanical pencils to tangle with and a pack of Sharpies (they're awesome for coloring in big spaces on the tangles...)
567. An evening with my girls and a new 31 bag on the way (Retro Metro Weekender for all the weekend getaways Bill and I will sneak away for in Maine once this whole mess is behind us!)
568. A huge tub of fresh from the garden tomatoes from my friend Missy--I have been in tomato heaven all week!!!
569. An afternoon of geocaching with Bug at Preston Park, which is literally a couple minutes from our house and we never even knew it existed! We saw deer and bunnies and startled a huge blue heron, and managed to find a few caches while we were there! Great, great day.
570. Celebrating our finds with ice cream at King Kone
571. Harvest Festival in Volant--a beautiful day in my favorite little town in PA
572. Amish donuts (are there any Amish in MA???)
573. Two tangles done and an afternoon of Game of Thrones
574. This verse, which reminds me that every day is indeed filled with His love and mercy:
His mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
(Lamentations 3:22-23 ESV)
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